Seen and Heard

Growth is painful.
Change is painful.
But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.

Mandy Hale

Worthy

Hearing the words “Father God” prayed by my friend Karie quite literally changed my life. It was as if someone flipped a light switch on and illuminated a new path for me. Before that, I lived in a spiral of fears — of abandonment, of being unlovable, of shame, of unworthiness — most of my life. Looking back, I can see I sometimes hurt others before they had the opportunity to hurt me. I left before they left, and I stopped loving before they stopped loving because, eventually, everyone left or stopped loving. Or so I thought.

I began to explore this idea of God as Father. It’s kind of funny now, but the first Bible I read with our daughter Kiersten, the Little Girls Bible Storybook for Mothers and Daughters, opened my eyes to the way God loved the women of the Bible. Reading those stories of God’s love and how He worked through them for His great purposes fanned the spark of hope I felt. I entertained the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could be redeemed of the sins I committed and let go of the shame wrapped around my heart. Perhaps more poignant, I began to believe I was worthy of love and redemption.

The first time I attended a service at my friend’s church, I felt as if I’d come home. I felt held and loved, and I wept. The experience was surreal. I started attending services weekly, even leaving Kiersten in the nursery each time.

Painful Changes

The changes I went through as the light began to filter into the dark places caused conflicts within my marriage. As I began to be transformed, there were things I didn’t want to do anymore — drink alcohol, watch certain things on TV, listen to certain music; there were things I wanted to do more of — attend church, join Bible studies, listen to contemporary Christian music. David couldn’t understand why I only wanted to listen to Christian music all. the. time. I couldn’t explain it then, but I think it helped the hope grow and the light shine brighter.

Don’t get me wrong. My husband was not a heathen; content with the life we lived, he didn’t see any reason to change anything. He believed in God and Jesus; he just didn’t see them at work in our lives or the relevance of the Bible to us. Eventually, though, he began to fear that he would lose me. The changes in me made him doubt that I’d stay. What he couldn’t comprehend was that my resolve to live a Christian life gave me the strength and the courage to commit more than ever before, and I believed that we could both change.

I made some mistakes in my new zeal for Jesus. I tried to force my new beliefs and desires onto David. And he did not want to change. Thank God for the people I surrounded myself with — wise people who spoke truth to me, telling me that I couldn’t change him, that I wasn’t supposed to change him, that all I could do was be an example in the way that I lived.

In 2005, I was content. Our marriage was good. Our three-year-old daughter kept me busy. I attended church regularly. I participated in Bible studies. I prayed. Although becoming more and more faith-filled, I sometimes wondered if God really saw me, heard me. In March, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. We were elated to add to our family!

That spring, I signed up to go with our church on a ladies’ retreat. I realized most of my clothes didn’t fit anymore, but my baby bump wasn’t big enough to fill a new size, and I considered not going on the retreat. I just knew everyone there would be dressed in cutesy clothes, and all I had was a pair of gray sweatpants to wear, but some friends convinced me to go anyway.

Seen and Heard

I felt out of place in my sweatpants and t-shirts, but something was happening in me as I attended the sessions and spent time listening to other Christian ladies share their stories. I browsed the bookstore and purchased a New Living Translation Life Application Bible. I wandered to a bench in the woods, sat down, and poured out my heart to God about how I felt. Then, I opened that new Bible. What I read next proved to me that God saw me and heard me.

“So I tell you, don’t worry about everyday life — whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn’t life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not.

And why worry about your clothes? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won’t he more surely care for you? You have so little faith!

So don’t worry about having enough food or drink or clothing. Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

Matthew 6:25-34 NLT (emphasis mine)

My outlook shifted that day. Far from being removed from me, Father God came close to me and showed me what I needed to see at just the right moment. I didn’t worry about my old gray sweatpants anymore. I carried home a new perspective — one of being seen, being heard, being loved, and being worthy. I truly embraced the new creation I could be with God’s forgiveness, grace, and mercy.

Redeemed… transformed… child of God… Those are words I use to describe myself today.

I’ve come a long way from the words of my past.